I won’t get CV-19, I’ve installed AntiVirus on my computer, says Chris Grayling

Boris Johnson and Matt Hancock have tested positive for coronavirus. But how do you combat a deadly infection sweeping across the nation? The country’s intelligence and security supremo, Chris Grayling, has found a solution.

He has installed software on all his computers to prevent the spread of the much feared coronavirus. “I’ll never get it now!” he says. Intelligent security right there.

“To combat a nasty virus, you need a decent AntiVirus,” claimed Grayling triumphantly. “Seriously, it’s all you need to do! I’ve noticed that people aren’t going to work because of it. Unfortunately it sometimes deletes emails, so just watch out!”

Grayling’s software is rumoured to be the reason that Boris Johnson never saw the email from the Nigerian prince offering 10,000 ventilators in exchange for £2,500 plus his bank details.

With senior ministers coming down with CV-19, it may be that the unique abilities of Chris Grayling will be required.

“I’m ready to take the helm of the ship,” said Grayling, casually waving a takeaway pizza menu in the air. “I’ve already hired a likely looking supplier called Ferry McFerryFace Ferries. If their boats are half as tasty as this Thick Crust Mighty Pepperoni Fiery Feast then we’re in business!”

First in line is First Mate Dominic Raab, a man whose grasp of geography rivals Grayling’s grasp of reality. While Raab is getting ready to take control on the bridge Boris built, brave Sir Dominic Cummings was seen running away.

“He knows Dom Raab doesn’t know his right from his left,” quipped Grayling. “If he ever told him to turn to port, Dom would be chugging back wine like a good’un!”

Grayling suddenly doubled down and started coughing unstoppably, and gasping for breath. In desperation, he reached for his laptop and activated the AntiVirus software. It performed a full scan, and, miraculously, Grayling sat up again, completely cured.

“More pizza, anyone?”

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