FAIL(ED) CEASER : The survivor of a volcanic explosion has spoken today to LCD Views about the international view taken, during, and after the event.
“We took the right steps, at the right time,” Provincial Governor, Biggus Dickus, told LCD Views.
For the interview Biggus wore his mop of blonde hair like an actual mop that had been swished freely across a flooded floor.
“At every step of our response to the volcano’s explosion we have been guided by the science.”
Biggus Dickus gave examples of the timely, and science led response by his administration.
“Weeks before the eruption, when smoke was noticed spiralling out of the top of the mountain we sacrificed bulls to appease the Gods.”
We were tempted to ask why the bulls were sacrificed, when at the time the WVO (World Volcano Organisation) was advising cities near to volcanoes to load their possessions onto the backs of the bulls and get out of there.
“Then, when fire began belching from the top of the mountain we threw in virgins. Not blonde virgins, clearly, for obvious reasons. We worked day and night to prevent the mountain exploding.”
But when it did? What protection was provided to the priests and slaves dedicated to protecting the people from the mountain’s rage?
“They were given sufficient supplies of papyrus hats and copper amulets. Clearly the unprecedented nature of the explosion meant that global supply lines of both reed based clothing and lucky charms were strained (at every sinew).”
Your administration has also done whatever it takes to protect itself?
“Yes, purely in the interests of maintaining capable and consistent governance.”
This is why you’ve already indemnified yourselves against legal action based on charges of negligence?
So what’s next?
“Bask in the glory of broad based global acclaim. That’s a given. Other cities are looking at our apparent success in managing the explosion that buried both Pompeii and Herculaneum. And as for myself I will be awarding the contract to resurrect the citizens buried under the ash and debris to a chariot maker.”
Who is that?
“Why Dysonius, of course, whether or not he delivers doesn’t matter. It’s how the headline looks dabbed in red paint on the walls of the coliseum, that’s all that matters to me.”