Matt Hancock’s new NHS app to come with tone control

Mind your language: the new NHS app doesn’t just identify proximity to covid-19 sufferers. It doesn’t just give “Classic” Dom Cummings and his merry troupe of Vote Leave conmen unprecedented access to your personal data. It now teaches you manners.

The app constantly listens in to your conversations. It is programmed to respond when a man and a woman are talking. At the first sign of the women becoming assertive, the voice of Matt Hancock himself will emerge to remind her of her place. Stock phrases are believed to include “moderate your tone, dear”, “get back into the kitchen”, and “calm down, dear, it’s only a conversation”.

One of the app’s developers was due to give us an interview, but, very unfortunately, before he could do so, the nation’s mainstream media discovered that he had once taken a non-essential journey, and vilified him across the front pages.

Another developer was unable to talk due to feminine modesty.

In the end Hancock’s right hand man, Andy Shandy, gave us the official line. He’s a bit of a wanker, and does the occasional job for Little Matt, but had the inside track on the tracking app.

“There’s absolutely nothing sinister going on,” he claimed brightly and not altogether convincingly. “Manners Maketh Man, and women should be seen and not heard. Victorian Values are coming back, thanks to Brexit, and it can all be achieved under the disguise of fighting covid-19.”

Isn’t this all, well, sexist, in the modern era?

“We are taking back control,” he explained, talking slowly as if to a lady. “Stay home, stay safe, have dinner on the table by six o’clock sharp, lie back and think of England. Do your duty for the good of mankind!”

Otherwise men will be forced to break lockdown to get their end away with someone more willing, get pissed, and play golf with other Telegraph readers.

“Exactly,” said Shandy.

And if a man doesn’t play golf?

“Then he’s clearly not one of us,” he replied. “Filthy working class scum, needs to be locked down for his own good. Rules are there for a reason you know.”

The app is also programmed to recognise regional accents. In this case, Matt Hancock’s voice will warn, “Know your place!”

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