Ramp up! Ramp up! The alt-increase in testing has been explained. There are many thousands of covid-19 tests, oven ready, to be sent out on the post. Unfortunately, they have run out of stamps.
Lights On But Nobody Home Secretary, Priti Patel, is on the case.
“I personally ensured that there would be sufficient supplies,” she fibbed, consulting her notes. “I personally ordered one hundredty million thousand and thirteenty dozen and diddly squat.”
That’s all well and good, but where did you order them from?
“Turkey, of course, they have got loads that we can have,” she replied, again after riffling through her papers. “They will be on a supply plane today!”
We know that hundreds of small post offices across the country have offered to supply you with stamps, why didn’t you take up their offers?
“I’m glad you asked that,” she stalled, listening intently to her earpiece. A slight pause. “Thanks Dom, classic mate. Dom says, I mean, the government believes, that it’s more efficient to make a grand but futile gesture instead of being pragmatic!”
Again she touched her earpiece, wincing slightly.
“I mean, this country has the capacity,” she stated, brass neck gleaming. “But Turkey has the supplies, and this is a matter of urgency, and this is not the time to have loads of small donations, which will probably get lost in the post. Incidentally, you will ignore my previous comment, and my office has already emailed you a restraining order.”
Extensive investigation revealed that Turkey did indeed have 400,000 stamps, which were indeed on a plane, which is due to arrive some time next week. Unfortunately these are not postage stamps, but Green Shield Stamps.
We put this point to Patel.
“This conversation is over!” she shrieked, slamming her laptop shut.
Things have come to a Priti pass. These are testing times, unless you are in government.