University of Life professor confirms “safe for children to go back to school, so long as they’re poor”

PLAYING WITH MATCHES : MASS RELIEF TODAY as a legitimate professor from the University of Life has confirmed that it is now safe for most British children to return to school.

Speaking at a packed press conference this morning, Professor Noes Fucall, said they have been consulting with the second rate fireplace salesman, Gav “spider” Williamson, who serves as Education Secretary symbolically, and prime minister Boris Johnson.

Their comments were greeted with a measure of initial scepticism, as everyone knows that Boris Johnson does not work weekends.

“British kids currently can’t catch or pass on the bubonic plague,” Professor Fucall shrugged, “so I see no reason there should be any difference with Covid-1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 and Twentyteen. Did I miss any? 7? Did I say 7?”

The expert opinion serves to reinforce the government as it attempts to get kids back to school, so the mistresses of Tory MPs can offload their own offspring onto cheerful, working class nannies, and thus go out to lunch again.

“There really is only one important criteria to consider when thinking about sending children out to create massive petri dishes swarming with viral matter,” the Professor added, “and that is the credit score of the parents. Clearly we advise that private schools remain closed for the summer.”

LCD Views would like to commend the government for involving experts from such a famous university in the decision, and believes the input of Professor Fucall more than compensates for not having consulted the relevant DfE staff, or anyone with any relevant expertise at all.

All the parents involved in this publication concur also with the protective bubble the government is promising, and will continue to keep our children in the one they’re already in, rather than the mad science experiment the government wants to run. To. Learn. Things. Already. Known. About. The. Virus.

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