INSIDE NUMBER NINETEEN : BORIS JOHNSON IS TO SAVE THE UK FROM THE KILLER LURGY by September.
A senior source inside 10 Downing Street has confirmed that the world king has ordered all the Downing Street properties from Number 10 to 19 converted into a harem.
The reason for the conversion is obvious.
“It’s so he can fill the properties with blonde women and sire more children,” the source confirms, “he does his best thinking when he’s shagging.”
And his best thinking will be required to develop the miracle preventative injection that the world is waiting for the U.K. to come up with.
“Clearly there’s going to need to be a lot of wine drunk. Probably about £350m a week, to be precise.”
The resulting empty wine crates will be refashioned as the vaccine to CV-19.
“He’ll even paint healthy looking commuters on the side of the vaccine,” the source continues, “and they won’t be wearing face masks, as there will be no need. They’ll be shaking hands with everybody. Especially other passengers who have Covid-19, as they’ve now had the vaccine.”
The announcement of the PM’s personal push to save the world comes after days of heated debate on social media, and in the press, regarding whether or not we should just go “sod it” and send our kids back to school in the middle of a pandemic.
“That debate will only distract everyone from the horrific U.K. death toll for so long, before everyone works out it’s bullshit. So the timing of Johnson’s vaccine work is vital to nudge the polls back in a favourable direction.”
Once the empty wine crate vaccine is completed G4S or Pizza Hut will he selected to distribute it.
“Like the test and trace system, it’s vital to keep local authorities out of it, as they have the relevant expertise to deliver it,” the source concludes, “and we’ll never get to the sunlit uplands of herd immunity like that. And besides, if you’re governed by disaster capitalists you can not simply expect the disaster to conclude, just like that.”