YOU WON’T LIKE WHAT YOU FIND : Downing Street has confirmed this morning that overgrown child bully Boris ‘de death rattle’ Johnson is to feature on milk cartons.
“The prime minister is missing,” a source inside Downing Street confirms, “although it’s not fair to say he is missing in action as that implies he is working.”
Happily there is a wide selection of photo portraits to choose from as the search commences.
“It’s not accurate to say the search is commencing,” the source interjected, “more that it is resuming. He’s like a boy, always running away from home and having to be returned by an authority figure.”
Plans to pin a name tag and address label on Mr Johnson are also advancing, in the hope that he won’t be bothered to take them off before he next goes missing.
There are currently no plans to offer a reward for his safe discovery, as even the members of his own party are said to be growing weary of his complete abdication of leadership.
“We’re not making many milk cartons available,” the source adds, “contrary to the health secretary’s claims we will ramp up their production. We don’t actually want him to be found. Dom can manage to ruin the country perfectly well on his own tyvm.”
If by chance Mr Johnson turns up in the HoC for lunch time, he will almost certainly go missing again soon after.
But critics of the decision to release the portraits have suggested it would be better to feature the entirety of British parliamentary democracy, as that has been missing since June 2016, when the advisory opinion poll was won with proven corruption and the country’s politicians sailed merrily on.