BELIEVE IN BETTER: Prime Minister (in name only), Boris Johnson, needs us all to believe in the Word of Dom. Trust my judgement, he pleads, I’ve never been wrong about anything before.
This is a man who does little set piece items to camera with an unendearing and embarrassing incompetence. This is a man who is so trustworthy that he leaves hordes of disappointed pregnant blonde fillies in his wake. This is a man who hid in a fridge to avoid having to answer a question.
So, should we trust his judgement?
“He’s a lying toad!” spat jilted lover Norma Sarse. “And that’s unfair to toads! He promised me a rose garden, he promised to leave his mistress for me, he said I had a terrific figure. Well that’s in the past, thanks to him. And now I’m lumbered with this blond brat who thinks I only exist to service his needs. I wouldn’t trust him to judge a knobbly knees competition!”
That’s a no, then.
But what can we do in these passive, isolated times? For those of us who aren’t Dominic Cummings, swanning up and down the country with impunity and covid. Lie back and think of England?
“That’s what got me into trouble in the first place!” grumbled Sarse. “He saw, he conquered, he came, and then he buggered off!”
To where, nobody seems to know. He is not to be seen in parliament, at the daily coronavirus briefings, or on TV reassuring a jumpy public. For a man who loves the limelight, he has been strangely invisible.
There can be only one explanation. We all know the government is comprised of brexity yes men, and that anyone showing intellect or compassion has been removed ruthlessly. Yet we are asked to take Cummings on trust.
What does Cummings know about Johnson that he doesn’t want to come out?