£22bn barely covers track & trace consultancy fees, says Boris Johnson

ALAS, ALAS AND ALACK: The poor man’s Winston Churchill impersonator, Boris Johnson, has defended the invisible track & trace system. The world beating, table topping, up ramping operation has cost £22bn to date for little or no return.

Where has the cash gone? Johnson explains in his usual unreassuring manner. Alas, we were obliged to spend the money on expert consultants, so necessary to ensure value for money.

“It is necessary to roll out people who know things,” babbled Johnson at the daily coronavirus briefing. “And experts do not come cheap. We want to build a world beating system, one that is already the envy of the whole world, Mars and Venus, Jupiter and Saturn, Oberon, Miranda and Titania. Neptune, Titan, stars can frighten, ooo!”

Johnson has captured Syd Barrett’s freewheeling style nicely there, but that’s where any resemblance ends.

Where has all the money gone, demanded LCD Views’ Dog With A Bone correspondent, Don Taskagain.

“Well, yes, no, erm, wiff waff, yes, it’s important that we do this correctly,” he replied. “There’s no need to panic, we have everything under control, these things take time, I give you my word that it will be up and running by September, no doubt about it, November maybe, February at the absolute latest!.”

But where’s all the money, Taskagain asked again.

“Yes, yes, yes, I’ve already answered that,” countered Johnson. “The problem, yes that’s it, the problem is the aging population and widespread obesity, and new models need to be created to cope with this new data, and we have a working party who will roll this out, until then, sadly, we will have to take the virus on the chin. We will fight covid on the beaches,” he said with sudden inspiration and a clumsy salute.

“And that’s all folks!” he concluded. “Same time, same place tomorrow, for Coronavirus Special!”

He gave a gameshow host smile and wave, and was gone like £22bn.

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