A Scotch egg will be a substantial meal after Brexit, claims George Eustice

THERE WILL BE ADEQUATE FOOD: And plenty of it. And clean drinking water. Ish.

Environment Secretary George Eustice thinks that a Scotch egg will be a substantial meal come the end of the Transition Period. Unfortunately, he is probably right, as our frictionless trade will continue, held up only slightly by a very small mountain of red tape. It has left him with egg on his face.

While hungry Brits wait in the pubs for their fish to arrive from Iceland, and their chips to make it from Ireland, the only part of their meal remaining will be the Scotch egg. Therefore, Eustice argues, as the only component of the meal it is, by definition, substantial.

To reinforce his argument, the expected rampant inflation will mean that the price of a Scotch egg becomes substantial. A week’s wages for a breadcrumb-covered delicacy? Yes, and we will be thankful. Expect them to appear on the menu at the Festival of Brexit, alongside British Fish.

Scottish independence will come to matter in time. When independence happens, Scotland will surely insist, under regional branding regulations, that the only Scotch egg worthy of the name must be made in Scotland, and must proudly bear the Saltire.

Other hard boiled egg products with sausage meat casings will be available, but they must be called “Scottish-style sausage meat coated egg portions” instead.

Pubs will of course be open. Unless they are closed. Unless they are in a Tier 1 region. Unless The Rules change again, and lots more illusory Tiers appear. But there won’t be any food to serve, because it will all be stuck on the back of a lorry in Kent. Unless you are in Kent, and the bored lorry drivers have set up their own pub to cook the food on their lorries before it goes off.

But this is precisely what every Leave voter voted for, as we know.

And what will Eustice’s response to the inevitable complaints be? Let them eat Scotch eggs.

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