NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS: National broadcaster the BBC has suffered in the A level grading scandal. The infamous algorithm has downgraded it to the CDE.
Disappointed public sector broadcasters everywhere were upset, because instead of being solid, steady, middle of the road, BBC, they have become failures overnight. CDE just isn’t good enough to get into the UK’s top living rooms.
“This is a disgrace!” thundered BBC, I mean CDE, journalist Fylde McCopy. “I’ve worked hard for my BBC! It’s been my ambition for the last two years. To have it reduced to CDE is an insult. I’ll never get to read the Ten O’Clock News now. Instead it will be a lifetime of chasing Nigel Farage and amplifying his outrage.”
It was a similar story across the entire organisation. Lofty ambition has taken a back seat to harsh reality.
“I was planning a career in political analysis,” moaned cub reporter Parry Shrag. “Now I’m looking at taking notes at the local district council meetings, where all they talk about is parking spaces and dog poo. If I’m lucky, I’ll get to write the daily horoscope. I’m fair minded, being a Libra, but everybody knows I’m better than this!”
Both Shrag and McCopy were sure about the reasons behind the downgrading. “We aren’t posh enough!” they said in unison. “This is a political decision to decrease the opportunities to anyone who didn’t go to Eton!”
In a parallel downgrading, ITV is now OMG, and Sky has become WTF. Gold has become Base Metal, and Fox has become FIX. Oddly, RT will henceforth be known as A*A*.
So the entity now known as CDE News will have its benefits cut back and its horizons limited. Instead of thorough and rigorous journalistic training, there will be a demeaning drill of Pavlovian responses and regurgitation of government statements.
One brand new series has been commissioned. One Man And His Dogwhistle.