CAN YOU HEAR THE ANGELS SINGING : DOWNING STREET HAS ANNOUNCED TODAY that it is really serious about levelling up the ‘North’. So serious it’s going to do something exceptionally symbolic.
“It’s to show our appreciation for the red wall voters,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “if they hadn’t believed in the Oven Ready Brexit and come over to us to GET BREXIT DONE, well, we may not be free to trade with the world. Except the EU of course. We don’t trade with them anymore.”
The symbolic gesture will surprise many, given that Prime Minister Boris Johnson has avoided gesture politics in his long career. Except for holding up a kipper, posing as a builder, driving a forklift through a pile of empty boxes, and all the other empty gestures.
“The statue itself will showcase Britain’s world beating statue building industry to the world and will be made with locally sourced materials.”
Designs for the statue, nicknamed the ‘Colossus of Wanknassus’ by the design team, are still being finalised but the elements that will be used in the construction are already known.
“The body will be of wicker, with a cavity in the centre for offerings from grateful northerners in their funny flat caps. The whole structure will be coated in iron pyrite so it really catches the light the one day a year the clouds part north of Watford. And the feet will be local clay. It’s a boom for manufacturing.”
There are plans to hold an annual festival of gratitude at the site too.
“Once a year on Brexit Day people will gather to recant the benefits of Brexit and discover who their prime minister is shagging now. It’s going to unite the country like only Boris Johnson can.”