The government was claiming a victory tonight as its most cherished employee, Brexit, was declared fit for work by ATOS, in spite of being clearly close to breathing its last.
Concerns had been raised that Brexit, existing on disability payments disguised as funding the scale of which could pretty much save the NHS, clear student debt and renationalise the bloody railways, once it plays out; that Brexit was only pretending to be incredibly ill.
Incapable of achieving partially any task assigned to it.
Massively wasting public resources when it should be out making a success of itself.
And being a terrible advertisement for British workers, and most definitely a productivity drain of an outstanding scale.
So ATOS decided to give it the treatment.
LCD Views understands Brexit was texted and informed it needed to get off its lazy, taxpayer sponging backside and down to its local office 87 miles away for a surprise assessment to determine whether or not it should continue to be a recipient of huge taxpayer funding for no discernible gain, or sent back out to work under the threat of being given even more public funding. An unusual bit of reverse psychology described as a one off.
“It’s a massive win,” David Davis crowed.
“ATOS has evaluated Brexit and in spite of finding it confused, incoherent, and seemingly on its last legs, it was passed fit for work and told to go out there and make a success of itself.”
Brexit was unavailable for comment on the decision. Although we understand from a source close to it that it finds this article almost as incoherent as it finds itself.
This is not surprising, given it’s a hard right ideological coup funded by tax dodging offshore billionaires which cynically prayed on the nostalgia and irrational fears of enough of the population who couldn’t tell the difference between a plate of shit and a chicken sandwich because they read the Daily Mail and it has yet to say anything that could honestly be declared sense.