Australia rules Brexit means we will always win the Ashes, says Boris Johnson

THE BORIS BOOMERANG: Aussie rules are making a comeback. No matter how hard you try to throw them away, they always return. The old euphemism for No Deal is back on the table, slathered in Vegemite and garnished with Tim Tams.

“This is fantastic news, and when I say fantastic I mean really spaffing – no, spiffing,” gibbered Boris Johnson, who these days barely even pretends to be Prime Minister. “We have always been great friends with the Austrians – no, Ostriches – no, Australians – and Aussie rules brings us closer than ever before!”

How will you achieve that closeness?

“Errm, well, yes, now the thing is, it’s a simple solution,” burbled Johnson. “I will, erm, right ho, ah yes, build a bridge between England and Australia! Modern architecture is a wonderful thing, don’t you know. Or we could create a tunnel like with France. It’s straight down of course, so gravity will do all the work.”

What are the benefits of Aussie rules Brexit?

“Yes, well, wiff waff, there are many, many, good things here,” stalled Johnson. “Vegemite, of course. Yes. Those lovely Tim Tams, you can’t get them here, what a great deal! And Steve Smith. Yes! We’re all on the same side now! Steve Smith will have to play for England, and we will win the Ashes every year! Huzzah!”

What do the Australians think of this?

“Put it this way,” Johnson said, suddenly serious. “The Aussies are basically the English criminal class who were sent to the outback to teach them a good hard lesson. I think they have probably served their time, and should be jolly grateful that we only deported them and built them crude shacks to live in, instead of making them sleep on the beaches. It was a hostel environment!”

The country is being burned as we speak. England is being cremated, and the ashes will be sent to Australia.

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