Back to the office, says man who hasn’t done an honest day’s work in his life

BACK TO SKOOL: It’s time to get back into the office. Just as the schools break up.

This is possibly to minimise contact between covid-carrying children and their unvaccinated parents. Or possibly just another screw up from a man who has a strong grasp on himself but on precious little else.

We as a grateful nation are delighted to take our lead from a man who claims to work night and day, but punctuates this with power naps. And we admire a man who thinks that “work” means “dressing up in hi viz while breaking the essential travel ban”.

Ordinary commuters up and down the land are excited about the return to work.

“I for one can’t wait,” said handpicked talking head Tori Plant. “It will be a joy to lose two hours of sleep, or even more if there’s a lovely breakfast meeting. To shave bits I haven’t shaved in months, to actually have a shower, to put on uncomfortable clothes and makeup, to drive into town and get frustrated with the traffic jams. I have missed battling with useless computers, interminable meetings called by someone who just wants an ego boost, and the constant low level harassment from male colleagues.”

That’s quite a list. But you haven’t mentioned your inspiration yet, and we agreed that you would.

“That’s an extra fifty grand, then,” she snapped. “Sorry, that’s off the record. Put it into my hand, right now… Thank you. OK, here goes… I take my inspiration from Boris, of course,” she explained, in a much warmer tone. “He works so hard, and he’s such a role model, and if he came to my workplace he would definitely be my office shag.”

I think we can all take inspiration from a man who has never done an honest day’s work in his life, yet manages to get the country’s top job. There’s a lesson there for all of us.

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