“Back to the office!” says PM who plans to spend next week out of office dressed as a tinker, tailor or soldier

OUT OF OFFICE AUTO REPLY : The nation’s shagged out leader, Subprime Minister Boris Johnson, is worried everyone not a multi-millionaire cabinet minister (who may or may not have significant interests in commercial real estate) may have had just a little too much time off work during the plague. He isn’t standing for it.

“He’s actually in any number of positions for it, judging by today’s Arcuri story,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “This interview is invented right? And so off the record. Can we talk about lazy, work shy Brits now? Like the Subprime Minister?”

I think it best.

“Good. It takes one to know one, as they say. And Boris spends most of his time out of the office. You know this because he’s always happy to share the photos of his playtime. And he’s very playful. He needs daily exercise like a dog that needs castrating or it will never calm down. So many legs to shag. All of them. It’s about dominance though, the leg shagging, not just pent up sexual frustration. You get that right?”

He seems a regular expert at work avoidance, to judge by his social media feeds.

“Well a succession of younger blondes with interesting friends don’t just look after themselves. You’re lucky he has any spare time or energy left to think about managing the country as it is. His image is the most important aspect. Don’t you just love him? What a rogue. I mean a less competent prime minister may have seen half a million die over the last year. When you think about chasing that bit of blonde totty that just happened to walk by…wait. Sorry. Let’s keep on top of work shy Brits.”


“Get back in the office! That’s the message. Just like last summer as the plague was ebbing. Give a kick and get it flowing again. We’ll be rebooting eat out to help out next. With a different title of course, as the last one risks denting Rishi’s prime rep into subprime too. It’s time to move on from that. But not for Boris. He’ll be leading by reverse example.”

What’s he dressing up as next week?

“Monday is a tinker. Tuesday is a tailor. Wednesday is a soldier. Thursday and Friday are top secret. Now back onto the trains and into the office with you. Only the alpha males get to be work shy!”

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