WORLD BEATING : The great British public is soon to get a digital discharge onto every handheld device, and tablet, with the release of the “Boris Johnson app”.
The new app will be installed on every device in the UK, and potentially even overseas (depending on Mr Johnson’s schedule) much in the way U2 famously gave everyone an album, whether they wanted it or not.
The Boris Johnson app is believed to have been developed by a data firm closely related to Mr Johnson’s SPAD, Dominic Cummings. Which appears to be the way of things in the UK these days.
“We’re not trying to redesign the wheel this time,” a spokesman for the company concerned, Difficulty, told LCD Views, “we’ve just taken an open source code and rebadged it. Dom’s not entirely happy about that. It doesn’t really let him display his genius, but time is of the essence. Oh, and this hasn’t saved the public any money, we’ve still taken millions, but it’s made us a lot more efficient in the banking of the transfer.”
But early testing of the app has led to some confusion over its intended purpose?
“It appears to be just a pregnancy test?” one focus group participant told us. “I don’t know why I need it? I’ve already had a vasectomy, which is something I would recommend for Mr Johnson.”
Family planning advice to one side, they don’t know why they need it because they haven’t been paying attention.
“Oh wait, now I get it. It’s because Johnson is screwing the entire country.”
And we’re all now anxious and pregnant with expectation of what comes next…