Great news for lovers of visionaries with the announcement that Boris Johnson MP is giving his big Brexit speech on Valentine’s Day as he’s hoping to screw everyone, again.
It’s believed the government has requisitioned the set of ‘Have I Got News For You’ for the event, as that was when “the people really loved Boris the most”.
We spoke to an aide to Mr Johnson to find out more about the preparations for his new word salad.
”Hand me that hose?” Pris Oner, junior minister, FCO asked,
“I’ve been helping Johnson rewrite his speech again and I’m just covered in it. Would you mind turning around?”
Our reporter duly turned around and the interview was conducted with backs turned.
”Your lot are for it, you know?” Pris said.
How so?
”The Home Office is setting up a Ministry of New Truths. You’ll have to submit headlines for scrutiny before writing. You’ll probably find most come back with some minor alterations in the focus.”
We’ll worry about that in 2019. What’s going to be in Johnson’s big Brexit speech?
”Mostly it will be about how Brexit has actually increased international cooperation. It’s a force for liberal good. It will lead to a new, deeper relationship between Britons and the EU. There won’t be any mention of Nazanin!”
So full of inherent contradictions and an attempt to baffle with bullshit?
”Not at all. Think about it. Regulators are moving to the continent. The agricultural sector has set up outposts in Poland and China. Service indistries are flowing across the channel.”
How is that a good thing?
”That’s the problem with you doom merchants. You lack the ability to see the nuances. This is the United Kingdom deepening its involvement with the whole world, by way of giving them jobs.”
But that’s to our detriment.
”It burnishes our reputation for giving! You need to get behind it! Especially if you need to pack up your desk so it can move to the mainland. Shoulder to the wheel time.”
I don’t think people losing their jobs in a time of uncertainty will see it that way.
”Get a bigger heart. Get a heart like Boris. All valves and chambers full of love and concern.”
Who for?
”Boris mostly. And fit young fillies! Ha! Think of Brexit job losses as aiding international development.
Now, hand me that towel and some cue tips.
I think I’ve got some of his best bits about British liberal values being engorged by telling 27 other countries to sod off stuck in my ears.”
What will you get Boris Johnson for Valentine’s Day?