Boris Johnson instals granite slab in Rose Garden with all his lies chiselled into it

WALKING HIS TALK : Boris Johnson is leading by example today on the subject of accurate portrayals of history in stone.

“Global Britons,” he addressed the nation, his suit a charmingly ill fitting ensemble cobbled together by falling drunk into his closet, his raffish dyed blonde hair styled in the manner of a hay bale in a tornado, “today I have put your money where my mouth is on the matter of historical accuracy.”

As the prime minister spoke the wind played teasingly with the gravy stained shirt tails seemingly incapable of staying behind his fraying, but still muscular, leather belt.

“To this end I have ordered a monolith installed in the Rose Garden of Downing Street with every lie I have ever uttered in public. On the reverse is listed every racist trope I have employed throughout my chequered career in the service of the short term political gain that can be found by playing on the prejudices and insecurities of those lobotomised by years of propaganda pretending to be media.”

But not everyone is happy with the new, honest Mr Johnson. Rumours that the aviation industry are especially concerned by the sheer scale and height of the slab needed to list all of Mr Johnson’s lies and racism.

“And it’s not only aviation that is alarmed by the sudden navigational hazard. The monumental size of the Johnson Stone means that London now essentially has a sun dial that will see half of the metropolis constantly blanketed in a shadow so dense day has become night.

“Let my testament stand through the ages. With its sturdy feet it will withstand the ill weather of fate I am bringing across this benighted land. Even when Global Britons are reduced to beating each other with thigh bones in the hope of a meal, my lies will tower over all.”

The feet of the slab are, of course, made of clay, leading to concerns that the next prolonged period of rain will see the slab fall.

“As long as it falls on Johnson I don’t care,” a nearby resident commented, sitting out in a deckchair sans umbrella.

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