Boris Johnson opens ‘onlyfans’ account to pay for life’s essentials

EXCLUSIVE ACCESS : Britain’s Prime Minister is famously hard up for cash, always. This has zero national security implications and even if it did we just would not care. This is because we’re now Global Britain. It does make enjoying day to day life harder though.

It’s not made any easier for Boris Johnson by the poverty wages Prime Minister’s are expected to subsist on. Free rent and transport is all very well, but when you have to buy your own food things are very rum indeed. A man must search for a solution. Especially a man with prodigious appetites that must be met in order to govern forcefully.

”Happily the gig economy had the answer,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The prime minister now has his own onlyfans account and the subscriptions are already massive!”

Most of the subscriptions appear to be based in Russia, the Cayman and Channel Islands, but there’s also some from the USA and a few domestic accounts.

Critics however have been fast to point out that the exclusive access Mr Johnson is offering is not exactly exclusive.

“I signed up and it’s just the standard fare Mr Johnson puts in the papers day after day,” Mr Gammon of Gammon Lane, Brexit Town (twinned with Hell) says. “The extra hi-vis is nice. But I’m paying to see him play act as a builder? Anyone can see that. Still what’s he like? It’s just BoRiS being Boris!”

The reasons Mr Johnson gives on the page are at least valid, “arts and crafts supplies” which means wine, and “technology lessons” and one can only guess what they are. But we’re certain for the Prime Minister they are one of life’s essentials.

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