A TISSUE A TISSUE (OF LIES) : THE UK’S GREATEST CONTEMPORARY BLONDE JOKE, BORIS JOHNSON, IS BELIEVED TO BE FEELING HOT UNDER THE COLLAR AGAIN.
The PM’s rising temperature has reportedly seen alleged fiancé Carrie Symonds scrambling, scrambling in the day bag she carries up and down flights of stairs in 10 Downing Street for the cartoon themed digital thermometer.
“It’s touch and go at the moment,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “Boris really likes the Hulk themed thermometer, but Carrie could only find the Power Ranger one. And he doesn’t really like the Power Rangers. He won’t eat his dinner if it’s served on the Power Rangers plate. Even Toy Story he’s a little adverse too, thinking Woody is a ‘girly swot’. It’s uncertain if Carrie will be able to monitor the giant man baby’s temperature adequately. She has given him a big dose of Calpol, which has only made him hyperactive. It’s manic here at the moment.”
The sources of potential re-infection for Mr Johnson are numerous, as he refuses to wear a mask when he is left at creche by Dom.
“I personally believe it’s because Donald Trump phoned him. Mr Trump has taken out most of the executive and support staff stateside. He’s that infectious. Doctors suspect any variety of contact with the orange super spreader is sufficient to cause infection. He’s just that contagious. So contagious. You’ve never seen a man so contagious before.”
It is likely that this dose of Covid-19 will not be as bad for the prime minister, as he should have one or two lingering antibodies from his first dose earlier this year.
“Maybe it’s not Covid again,” the source mused, “just any association with Mr Trump is now dangerous. He’s so unhinged. And Boris would be well advised to keep his social distance. In fact the entire world would be well advised to steer well clear of even Donnie’s tweets. You could catch anything between now and November 3rd.”