Boris Johnson rushed to hospital after accidentally answering a question at PMQs

ASK NO QUESTIONS AND YOU GET TOLD NO LIES: The filibustering fibber has been hospitalised following an unprecedented accident. Johnson was rushed to the nearest Accident & Emergency department following a spontaneous seizure.

Boris Johnson is well known in Westminster circles for never answering a straight question with a straight answer. Certainly not a question regarding policy, lobbying or corruption. According to certain pneumatic blondes known to LCD Views, even the relatively unweighted request of “Fancy a shag, Boris babes?” tends to be met with a recital of The Merchant of Venice before he even loosens his tie.

However, today at PMQs he made the rookie error of answering a question without considering the traps that lay within. “Mr Speaker, I trust that the Prime Minister would agree with me that the rollout of the Coronavirus vaccine by the NHS has been an outstanding success,” stated Keir Starmer, in a generous tone. Johnson smirked complacently like Priti Patel in possession of a set of diamond-encrusted knuckledusters. “Does he agree, therefore, that the public sector has a vital role to play in defeating the virus?”

There was a pause, as a clearly smug and self-important Johnson rose to his feet.

“Well, I say, wiff waff, well, yes of course…” he began. But before Johnson could proceed any further, his heart leaped out of his chest and attempted to strangle him.

Members on both sides of the House recoiled in horror at the conclusive proof that Johnson was in possession of a heart.

On-call paramedics, permanently stationed in the House should some medical emergency arise, literally sauntered at great lack of speed to help the stricken PM. “He’s only bluffing,” they told the heart, over and over again, until it relented sufficiently to allow Boris to breathe again. The paramedics stuffed the heart back into its cavity, and stretchered the PM to a waiting ambulance, trembling with suppressed laughter.

Now we know exactly what goes on at the heart of government.

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