Boris Johnson says Dover lorry park will be “world beating”

DOVER AND OUT: Crime Minister Boris Johnson is very pleased that a huge swathe of classic English countryside is to disappear under concrete. The size, scope and pointlessness of the new lorry park are already being described as being “world beating”.

£705m is being spaffed up the wall on this pollution solution. This unusual amount of money is the equivalent of seven phantom PPE contracts.

Who wins when you pave paradise and put up a parking lot? The unspoken conclusion is that Dominic Cummings must have mates who own a concrete mixer.

Unfortunately for the government, there is only one Labour-held constituency in Kent, Canterbury, and even Dominic Cummings is reluctant to knock down the cathedral. So instead they are using the back yard of disgraced remainer and laptop abuser, Damien Green.

Green is incensed by this development, which was predicted the moment the Brexit vote was won. “Nobody voted for this!” he thundered, while failing to point out that, apparently, everyone knows exactly what they voted for.

The owner of the gorgeous greenfield site selected for development, Ken Tishops, was apoplectic. “I only heard about this today!” he grumbled, gnawing viciously on a stalk of grass. “I’m supposed to turn more than 27 acres of prime hop growing land into a fully fledged lorry park by Friday!”

How are you doing to do that?

“They just said, ‘Get it done’,” he said. “‘Get it done. Then get the hell off the land and do one.'”

Parking lots generally have famous figures buried beneath them. In this instance, it will be the neutral civil servants who have been ‘retired’ for standing up to Cummings.

What plans have been made for supplying diesel, food and drink, and toilet facilities for the stranded drivers?

“Plans? What plans?” despaired Tishops. “They haven’t even specified where the access road will be. It will be a white elephant, useless before it is even opened, and my hop fields will be gone. Somebody is making a packet out of it, you can be sure of that, and it certainly isn’t me!”

Nigel Farage will open the lorry park, waving a Union Jack triumphantly while the last few bits of concrete are poured onto the ground.

Needless destruction, nonexistent planning, money spaffed up the wall. World beating!

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