OPEN ALL HOURS : The UK’s leading handshaker of viruses Boris Johnson has taken time out of his busy dressing up schedule this afternoon to speak about his pride over the UK’s pandemic achievements.
“There is a long list of fearful, wretched countries who drew the curtains across the windows of the world early in 2020. They twitch aside the drapes and peer with scrunched up, curious eyes as the blazing lights of the pandemic shine like bonfires on the cliffs of eternity,” he told a slightly weary audience via a mass Zoom.
“But not here! Not in this green and pleasant land. We still welcome all comers. Just because we took back control of our borders doesn’t mean we have to close them. We spent all last year arguing over whether or not masks were of use in a plague with a respiratory illness. That’s because we’re geniuses. Come in, I say! Come in through a porous border policy. Science gains when all the variants are mixed together in glorious play. The UK is leading the way. Just think of the opportunity to work on boosters for the existing vaccines? World beating!”
And the UK is certainly up there. It has one of the highest death rates on earth and there’s still time to do better. Just so long as the border remains half closed and half open so Tory MPs and supporters can enjoy their lives as close to normal as possible.
“Of course we could just simply lockdown fully for a few weeks and pursue elimination of the virus. Then do contract tracing and fully supported community isolation and quarantine. Be more like New Zealand, Australia, South Korea, Japan and many others who decided to rob their scientists of the chance to study the world’s many variants up close. But where would be the shareholder profit in that? You don’t elect disaster capitalists to government if you want a fast pandemic.”
“We’re hosting a Superleague of mutants. In the worlds of the famous singer King, Don’t stop me now! I’m having such a good time! The UK is an example to everybody and you’ve me to thank for that. And as long as I’m your manager, with my handchosen team, we’ll always be in the CV-19 superleague!”