VIRAL DIVERSIONS : THE BRITISH PRIME MINISTER IS TO OFFER sound reassurance, and opportunity, to the tireless parents of this once great nation this evening, even as he ruins their children’s education.
“Some have said the government should have prepared the state sector to go digital long ago, properly financed, resourced and staffed the education system. But then, what would be the point of Gavin Williamson?” the PM will say, before laughing maniacally.
“He’s there to ensure the poor oiks stay in their place. No. No. Let us not worry about their extended festive holidays. Let us encourage them to play.”
And play a plenty it appears is what’s on the order paper, as the PM is to announce an exception to the order closing adventure parks and playgrounds across the land.
“Jurassic Park will stay open!” Mr Johnson will exult, “and parents who don’t know what to do with their children are encouraged to take them there for a day out. Schools may have turned in the 24 hours since I was last on Marr from the safest nurseries in the land to dangerous pits of disease, but the famous dinosaur fun park will stay open! It is perfectly safe for you and your children there.”
Although there was one note of caution.
“Probably best to leave the grandparents at home though, as they can’t run very fast,” he will advise, “but for everyone else the velociraptors will ensure there is plenty of social distancing.”
Go Out. Protect Yourselves. Happy Hunting!