CABER TOSSER : THE UK’S SYMBOLIC PRIME MINISTER, Boris Johnson, will stop at nothing to stop Boris Johnson breaking up the United Kingdom. He’s so committed to stopping it he’s assembled a crack team of people who think just like himself to come up with ideas to stop him from doing it.
The Union Unit will focus on robust responses to the SNP’s push to tear apart a Union that has endured for centuries, until Boris Johnson.
“We won’t be doing any gesture politics. This is serious business,” a source inside the Unit told LCD Views. “We’re complete units in this unit. Thumping. Throbbing. Units.”
And it’s certain that many serious and feasible ideas will be floated for how to prevent the UK breaking up, even after Brexit. Ideas such as greater devolution, federalisation of the system of governance, no longer lying, treating Scottish dissenters with respect and listening to their concerns, engaging with Nicola Sturgeon and bringing her into decisions that affect Scotland, serious investment in the economy of Scotland, gagging Jacob Rees-mogg, all will be suggested and instantly discarded.
“In favour of gesture politics,” the source clarified. “To this end we’ve put the names of the royals in a hat and pulled out the names of a pair everyone has forgotten. We’re going to force them to live in Scotland. Having completely forgotten that the Queen already does most of the time.”
But it won’t just be shuffling royal pieces about the chessboard, there are other killer plans.
“We’re going to have Boris Johnson go to Scotland and toss off. Caber toss. He’ll be wearing hi-vis tartan when he does. It’s going to be charming. But best of all he will host a televised feast for all Scottish Tories and he’ll eat a haggis. Before sneaking off to a broom cupboard with a Scottish waitress. If that doesn’t save the Union, nothing will.”