Boris Johnson to clap for Northern Ireland

LIKE A CIRCUS SEAL WANTING A FISH : THE PEOPLE’S PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson has a lot on his plate these days. What with redecorating the Downing Street flat and planning for an “irreversible” pint next Monday. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a few spare moments to think about the deteriorating situation in Northern Ireland.

“He’s having the think before today’s arts and crafts session with the empty wine boxes,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And after he chooses what outfit he’s wearing for dress up today.”

The importance placed upon dealing with the rioting in Norther Ireland, which has been daily for a week now, shows just how capable a PM Mr Johnson is.

“He’s definitely going to work up a fix before he scrolls through his address book wondering which mistress to bang next week,” the source is certain. “He’s really concerned about the Irish. He is in no way colonially minded about the situation. It’s a bit of a shock really. No one at all saw getting Brexit done could lead to trouble across the Irish Sea. And if they did we denounced them as traitors and ignored them. So NO ONE.”

There are of course several possible solutions that spring immediately to mind.

“He could begin negotiations to rejoin the EU single market and customs union, recognising that this would protect the peace process and in all likelihood safe lives. But he won’t do that. How boring are other people? Especially ones you have never met who aren’t offering you any short term advantage? He could of course begin negotiations to find a long term way to re-unifiy Ireland. But again, yawn. Can you just imagine the texts from Foster? He’d need a new mobile number.”

It’s hard to see a solution then? Either the entirely voluntary project Brexit has to be betrayed or the people have to suffer.

“Don’t be so hasty. He’s got something up his sleeves. Or rather at the end of his wrists.”

What’s that?

“He can lead a clap.”

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