Boris Johnson to cut ribbon at opening of London’s newest prestige laundromat

RINSE AND REPEAT : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSONOV IS A BUSY BOY THESE DAYS. Not only does he have to fit in a quarterly photoshoot with someone’s baby in his diary, he’s also to open London’s newest prestige laundromat.

“Not to mention tennis matches,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “he barely has time to rest on his laurels. Someone is always wanting to pay to hit his balls. Which is odd, given how many these days would do it for free. Why dirty his hands with the filthy lucre?”

And additional to these current, pressing commitments, he now has to turn up and cut ribbons.

“It’s not only turning the other cheek to foreign interference in UK democracy. He’s got to open essential financial services. Part of the post Brexit plan. You know, when we end manufacturing and food production, but expand the laundry business. You need a respectable front for all that. A grand visage. So what better than a prestige laundry business? He’s cutting the ribbon at Kompromat tomorrow.”

Presumably he’s going to make it through the event in one piece?

“He has so far, his whole career. He’s a classic useful idiot. Also a vain and greedy and horny one. It all helps.”

But what exactly is Kompromat offering?

“At Kompromat they can clean anything for you. It doesn’t matter how dirty or bloody it is when it comes in. Reputations? Come out squeaky clean, at least on the surface. Money looted out of poor villages? Have you thought about pressing it through London’s housing market? Professional, but these days, not very discrete.”

Kompromat. It doesn’t matter what’s sticking to you. We can clean it off. Half price sale on reputational cleaning begins tomorrow. Something’s happened in the UK market and knocked the shine off.

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