DEADHEART : The UK’s last prime minister, Boris Johnson, is to attend an unveiling ceremony later this month in Scotland.
The reason for the special trip north is not solely to dress in hi-vis gear (although it’s guaranteed there will be some at some stage), nor to pose as a scientist, or to interrupt an entire day’s vaccination efforts at a vaccination centre. This time it’s a statue.
“He’s going to dress as Edward I for the ceremony,“ a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “That’ll please the Unionists and get the SNP on side. After the ceremony he’ll do a costume change and put on a special Union Jack kilt he’s had made just for the day. That’s where the hi-vis comes in and the kilt is fluorescent.”
But what statue could possibly cause the PM to take time out of his busy schedule of not governing the country? Burbs? Bruce? Some other chap with a surname starting with B?
“He’s paid millions to have a statue of the famous Scottish independence leader Mel Gibson cast in tin foil. Mel really stuck it to the rightful English rulers of Scotland back in the days when they were mostly still French. Mr Johnson thinks this will promote unity by exploring the deep and enduring legacy between our two countries. Also by reminding the Scots how much shared history we have giving it to the French. The statue is going to be erected in Stirling, no one really knows why.”
A special screening of a documentary about Mel Gibson’s life called ‘Braveheart’ will take place after the statue is erected, although the prime minister is expected to have drunk himself into a stupor by then.