Boris Johnson to hire spokesman so he can spend more time shagging

SHAGGER IN CHIEF : DOWNING STREET has announced a change to the way important news is communicated to the country today, with the announcement that an official spokesman will be hired for daily briefings.

“It’s because Dom is running out of ways to spend the country’s money for no quantifiable return,” a source told LCD Views, “we really need to find a way to fill in time before the next big Covid-19 wave. Then it will be back to business as usual, and the dishing out of multi-million pound contracts to our chums. How much is that rubber glove again? Asks the unrelated manufacturer. Let’s just see what’s in the Exchequer, shall we?”

The new spokesperson will admittedly be on a paltry salary, compared to that enjoyed by the “political” reporters employed by the BBC who usually fulfil the role.

“One hundred grand is a little on the tight side, admittedly, if you want to attract the best from the private sector” the source said, “but you get the prestige of standing behind the lectern and talking complete and total bollocks to the nation. What’s that worth? Cleary not much, if you consider Mr Johnson doesn’t want to do it. Still. He’s got a country to run.”

But critics have pointed out that giving speeches to the country is the only identifiable part of the PM’s job that the PM actually bothers to do, now and then. So what will Mr Johnson be doing instead?

“Oh, he’ll be shagging,” the source confirmed, “he’ll barely be visible from here on in. He’s got a to do list.”

The source also confirmed the rumour that Mr Johnson will be replaced at PMQs in the autumn by an empty wine crate. “He’ll be supplying it himself.”

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