Boris Johnson to overcome customs difficulties by installing a giant catapult at Dover

IT AIN’T WHAT YOU DO, IT’S THE WAY THAT YOU DO IT: The Channel blockade problem has been solved by a Boris Brainwave. Cut out the middleman and ping goods direct to Calais. 

The method is simple. Johnson will install a massive catapult. English goods will be placed into the contraption, which, when triggered, will project the happy produce to the continent, bypassing the need for all those pesky forms. 

It’s about time. Johnson is an expert on building bridges and tunnels. It was only a matter of time before he diversified into air transport. 

The catapult, it goes without saying, has already been described as being world beating. Construction has not yet started. There are several reasons for this. 

“To be honest, we are still waiting for a skip,” said project manager Manda Tory-Teabreak. “Also, we are having difficulty in sourcing a suitably powerful elastic band.” 

Nomenclature was also proving problematic. 

“We recommended a classic trebuchet design,” said Tory-Teabreak. “But that was rejected because the name was too French. We had to employ hundreds of consultants on over £2360 a day to negotiate a more suitable name. It was exactly the same when we installed that personal home guillotine for Priti Patel.” 

And that wasn’t all. 

“Where’s the labour coming from?” demanded Tory-Teabreak in an exasperated voice. “Normally we use Polish workers, or Albanians if we are desperate, but they have all been sent home. We can’t get the timber from the Baltic states any more. ‘Sorry luv, we don’t export to fucking Plague Island any more,’ that was what they told us.”

It’s a great opportunity for British workers and British timber. 

“You mean the feckless lazy Brits?” spluttered Tory-Teabreak. “No chance! And British wood is only fit to burn!” 

An anonymous government source claimed that a technological solution was in development. 

Many are hoping that Johnson will be the first to try out the catapult. 

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