Boris Johnson to remind EU “You need us more than we need you”

FISHY FINGERS : The leader of the free world, Boris Johnson, has a lot on his plate these days. What with overseeing a catastrophic response to a pandemic that has seen over 110,000+ of his voters perish, and avoiding accountability for that. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have time for diplomacy.

Whether it’s privately reassuring US administration officials that he will not let Michael Gove destroy peace in Northern Ireland, or enduring the smooth flow of arms to Saudi Arabia, his Midas touch can deal with it all swiftly, and with little attention to the detail required for long term solutions.

“And he can still find time between the morning’s glass of champagne and the mid morning tipple to spare a thought for the EU,” an invented 10 Downing Street source credibly told LCD Views.

For it seems the EU are increasingly desperate for what the U.K. manufacturererers, and daily more concerned that they won’t be able to get their needy hands a hold of it.

“This is because of the lack of thought they gave to the deal they agreed with the U.K.,” the source continues. “They spent the last several years engaging with the temporary stooges placed in Downing Street by international feudalists as if the U.K. was still a functioning representative democracy who could tie its own shoelaces. Rather than calling us out on what was an obvious load of bollocks from the start. They’ve really only themselves to blame. They’ve certainly not done the voters of the U.K. any favours by going along with the Brexit farce. History will judge them harshly. But we’ve got to deal with today.”

It’s a good thing that Mr Johnson is at the helm.

“It’s essentially like dealing with spoilt children. And Boris knows all about those. He’s been one all his life. He is advised by them. He appoints them to his cabinet. He plays dress up whenever he wants, regardless of what chores need doing, just like a spoilt child too. He can deal with the whining EU. He’s got the skill set.”

But what will he do? Whatever it is he needs to do it fast. The pandemic will only conceal the damage caused by Brexit for long. Sooner or later daylight is going to break through.

“It’s really very simple,” the source shrugged. “He’s going to remind the EU they need us more than we need them. That’ll fix it and fix it fast.”

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