Boris Johnson to retire from politics and focus on flogging “Oven Ready” chicken dinners

USE YOUR TALENTS WISELY : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has made a surprise announcement today. He is to step down from front line politics and promote chicken dinners.

The announcement was made at the start of a press conference to publicise the much trailed new restrictions on the activities of subjects in the ‘North’, in response to Covid-19.

“Like Theseus in a KFC, but without his famous spool of wool, I have at times felt lost in a maze of poultry. Bereft. Confused. Wondering what would Churchill do?” the outgoing prime minister began, “but no more! As Alexander the Great, that famous fancier of secret herbs and spices once said, give me a bucket! An oven ready bucket of frozen Boris Johnson brand chicken!”

At this point the temporary prime minister pulled out a brown paper bag from under the podium.

“In time the bag will have branding, but for today I will entrust the great British public to use their imagination.”

Next the blonde buffoon rummaged about in the bag and eventually produced a vacuum sealed package of what appeared to be fried chicken. And was.

“Boris Johnson’s Famous Oven Ready Chicken Dinners!” the big baby bounced about, “so finger licking good you’ll think you’ve been to a technology lesson!”

Smirk. Cast about for applause.

“Boris Johnson’s Famous Oven Ready Chicken Dinners! Because chlorine is a food group!”

From there on the speech became less coherent. Especially when he eventually reached the part about tightening of Covid-19 restrictions in the “North”, or “The Harrying 2.0”, as the new nest of policies has been named.

“And don’t worry if our bungling of the Covid-19 response means you can’t leave your home in Manchester to go to the supermarket. Boris Johnson’s Oven Ready Chicken Dinners will come to you! Just as soon as I work out a distribution network. I’ll get Dido to run it. Now remember. Stay Home. Stay Alert. Go Out. Put a Boris Johnson Oven Ready Chicken Dinner in the oven.”

It’s what Churchill would do in a pandemic. Isn’t it?

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