Boris Johnson to return 30% of UK to wilderness by paying Serco millions to plant one tree

LORD OF THE LIES : BORIS JOHNSON has another big promise for the side of his famous bus this week with the promise to return 30% of the UK to wilderness.

“It’ll make our version of the Hunger Games (to come) after Brexit much more exciting,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “imagine skinny school leavers hiding behind trees, while being hunted down by ruddy cheeked, well fed, posh kids who have had Covid tests?”

The actual mechanism of the return to wilderness will of course be Brexit.

“We’re reliving the 80’s and Thatcher’s not exactly always creative destruction of traditional industries. Those industries that sprung up as a result, we’re going to now destroy them. It’s levelling. We destroyed the north and the midlands. Now we’re destroying the south. It’s fantastic. Really exciting and a great way to enlarge your property portfolio.”

But critics have pointed out that merely ending auto manufacturing and the aerospace industry won’t hit the 30% target.

“That’s why we’re destroying the financial district too. Imagine a temperate rain forest in the middle of London in which you can go hunting? It will be fantastic. You’ve had an overly long meeting with your lawyer and accountant about creative ways to lower your tax bill, then you can just step across the road and go and shoot something. Basically it’s a wet dream for us in government.”

There will of course also be tangible benefits for members of the public.

“When you lose your home you can go and sleep in a forest. Not a bad deal. Think of it as a staycation. Just another tangible benefit of Brexit. And for those bellyaching critics who say it’s just another big announcement and nothing will happen. You want until you see how much Serco is going to charge to plant a tree.”

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