AT FIRST IT WAS JUST BUNTING : TEMPORARY UK PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON will be MIA for a week after unconfirmed and fabricated rumours say he has booked himself into The Priory.
The Priory is a famous addiction treatment centre and is not unaccustomed to patronage from the high and mighty.
“Mr Johnson will be undergoing treatment for a spiralling addiction to national symbols,” someone claiming to work at the centre told LCD Views, “the compulsive use of the Union Jack is believed to be of particular concern. He is essentially unable to function now without a giant hit.”
It’s understood Mr Johnson has a long history of misuse of the Union Jack, but initially it was just bunting and small hand held flags. But now the use is habitual and he would be called colloquially a “junky”.
What form the treatment will take isn’t clear, but rather shrouded in secrecy.
Some suggest he will be locked into a small room on one of the upper floors with just a bucket for waste and a selection of tinned foods. The door being nailed shut from the outside.
“We expect Mr Johnson will make a full recovery, but there are no guarantees. An addiction as deep as his, while initially a cry for help, has moved now to a pathological deepness that would likely require a full frontal lobotomy to cure. And that has already been attempted.”
The team at LCD Views wish Mr Johnson a speedy recovery, as it’s hard to conceive of the UK’s current trajectory continuing without him. Additionally, it is obvious his poor example is now influencing the other children in his cabinet into compulsive use of Union Jacks, and that’s not good for anybody.