TOTAL CNUT : THE UK’S FAITH IN ITS BOLD AND VISIONARY LEADER, BORIS JOHNSON, IS SET TO RAMP UP EVEN MORE TODAY WITH THE PLAN BY WORLD KING BORIS JOHNSON TO VISIT THE FLOODED KENT LORRY PARK (CONSTRUCTION SITE).
The action will be ruthlessly voiced over by Andrew Marr, with Laura Kuenssberg faithfully tweeting the action as it unfolds.
The show of faith is expected to send a stark warning to the EU that the time for playing games is over. They must buckle and accept British hegemony or they’ll be responsible for the inability of Brexit MPs to not build an emergency lorry holding facility on a floodplain.
“Boris loves his classical references,” a Downing Street aide told LCD Views, “and he loves dressing up. So today will be very special for him. He’ll get to dress up and act out a famous historical scene! He’s just giddy at the moment. He barely slept a wink. Right now he’s running about the corridors excitedly like a cocker spaniel chasing a bitch in heat. Although to be fair, that’s a fairly common occurrence most days.”
What the floodwaters will do faced with Mr Johnson going total Cnut isn’t yet clear, but it’s understood they are likely to do as he bids.
“Cnut wasn’t able to stop the tide rising,” the aide notes, “but he didn’t have enough self belief. The waters will tremble before Boris, although some may mistake that for the furious activity of emergency pumps attempting to drain the site before all the concrete washes away.”