Boris Johnson to visit all 27 EU capitals in “charm offensive” to bring back EU workers

SHORT TERM MEMORY : THE UK’S PUPPET PRIME MINISTER, BORIS JOHNSON, has announced today a bold new plan to ramp up inward migration from EU states to the UK. It appears the UK has a lot of capacity, but not a lot to fill it.

“I am going on tour!” Mr Johnson told the country via Zoom, “a. A. A. A charm offensive if you will! The Royal Brexitannia will sail from Dover and make land at the ancient English port of Calais,” a potentially shit faced Mr Johnson spluttered.

“Calais! A fitting place to land, for it was Churchill himself who gave the port to the Franks as a token of appreciation for the cheese wheel the good, earnest, Anglophile people of the Rhone valley gave to him.”

Here Mr Johnson paused to adjust his fly, ruffle his hair and remain pleasingly ignorant of the plum sauce stain on his tie.

“And when I say make land, I do not mean in the manner of the Ancient Greek hero, Landmasia, faced with the land eating monster Tidalmania, I mean in the manner of disembarking from a ship of the line! So I go not as an invader! I go to offer one hand in friendship, while I keep one with my fingers crossed firmly behind my perfidious back.”

The move is certainly a bold one and definitely offensive.

But is IT not a recognition of the pig headed stupidity of utilising US and UK dark money to fuel a right wing populist campaign of ethno-nationalism, war fetishization and ghastly xenophobia over years, just to get Mr Johnson into the premiership, and make feudally minded disaster capitalists a lot of money, at the expense of the entire country?

“I am not like the proverbial car chasing dog who finally catches the car,” Mr Johnson added, not even convincing himself anymore.

“I will make Britain great again! I should know how! I’ve done so very much to break it. If British people will not harvest British crops and wipe British bottoms, perhaps some eager foreign chaps maybe lured back to do it? And then Priti Patel can have the joy of throwing them all out again!”

From Covid Island with love – Boris Johnson is cummings. We suggest you place in quarantine. There is no need at all to attempt a timely return.

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