ASHES TO ASHFORD : Following events in Ashford we can exclusively reveal further developments are planned by our wise and all seeing government.
“Apparently, a government adviser took a wrong turning on the A1 and noticed a ferry port on the Humber,” our infrastructure specialist reports.
“He immediately contacted a friend, who owned local firm Goole Maps, to produce a report. After reading the report, cabinet ministers were shocked that such infrastructure existed outside the South East.”
The report also revealed, virtually all the ferry ports served EU/EEA destinations, and several extra lorry parks were needed.
Eight days ago, we were reliably informed, that Sylvester (Sly) Uppshot MP for Maidensvale will take on a new cabinet post to oversee the projects. We negotiated an early sighting of his report, in return for our help in getting some of his work published.
The report is too long to print in full, here are the main points.
All actions taken will involve a revolutionary new technique called joined up thinking, whereby each action will also support other areas of government policy. Something that has not been tried since 2015.
1. The new facilities will be named Transport Infrastructure for Rolling Departures (TIRD), lorries will queue using procedures developed for airports, areas will be festooned in tape and lorries will go round and round until custom checks become available.
2. Excluding the Humber Region, all supermarket car parks within 50 miles of a ferry port will be compulsory purchased, to make space for the TIRDs. Supermarkets will only be accessible on, recently invented, bikes with a basket, which will help tackle the obesity problem. The bikes, designed in Britain, will be made in Malaysia by Dai-Sun Inc. Shoppers unable or unwilling to cycle will have to return to Britain’s High Streets, giving them a much-needed boost.
3. The Humber Region facility will concatenate Immingham and Grimsby to form the large Grim Ouse TIRD, both towns will get their fair share of the TIRD.
All residential property will be demolished, the benefits will be enormous, as the State pays almost all the council tax and rent in the area. Residents will be re-housed on caravan sites in, recently renamed, Skagness. The new revenue generated will provide a shot in the arm to existing residents of this Great British resort. The treasury will also benefit via the new 50% VAT rate on luxury items, which includes caravan rental, children and brown sauce.
4. Due to its proximity to the U.S.A., Liverpool TIRD will include an extra facility for sensitive military cargoes. The section will be staffed by U.S. personnel and will include an aquatic centre, where staff can indulge in the popular American pastime of water boarding. UK athletes will also use the facility to prepare for the inclusion of water boarding in the Olympics. The resulting improvements in U.K./U.S. relations will be invaluable to the U.K. in future trade talks.
5. Each TIRD, will feature 500 statues of Kim Kardashian performing squatting exercises. This will help the Arts community, encourage exercise and also aid Britain’s green initiatives by encouraging cycling, as staff and customers will have somewhere to park their bikes. All lorries will be cleaned before they leave and represent Britain abroad. Staff from the pandemic media centre have been drafted in to do the job due to their extensive turd polishing skills.
“The government excel at producing TIRDS and having their mouth pieces polish them,” our specialist adds, “and deal or no deal, come the end of the year the country will be covered in them.”