Brass necks in short supply after the government requisitions all available stocks

Peddling the metal: The government has been swift to acquire as many brass necks as it can. A brass neck is stronger and stabler than the organic version, and also allows for 360 degree rotation of the head.

Michael Gove is only the latest senior figure to stick his brass neck out. “The EU has better get it’s finger out and give us the outstanding deal they know they want to give us,” he says. “While we do sweet FA, watch people die of covid-19 and calculate how much this will save the NHS in the long run.”

Some of the lesser lights of a spectacularly dim parliament have also been donning metallic vertebrae. These include big-headed small-minded rent-a-gobshites like Lance Corporal Mark Francois and his sidekick Andrew “Mr Potato Head” Bridgen.

“These foreign Johnnies always blink first,” bluffed Francois, while undermining his position by losing a stare-out with Will Self. “The EU can get stuffed with its undemocratic high food standards. The British palate can’t cope with garlic and snails and all that poncy crap. They want a Maccy D’s and a skinful of cheap lager!”

Bridgen made the same points, only with more conviction and less coherence.

One reassuring side effect of all this brass neckery is the re-emergence of David Davis. He squelched out of his wine cellar, in the same suit in which he squelched into it some years ago. His rhetoric was unchanged as well, still believing that border checks will not be necessary. In which case he won’t complain if the French dump substandard barrels of wine on his doorstep. He paused just long enough to demonstrate another advantage of the brass neck: it’s telescopic, which makes it so much easier to bury one’s head in the sand.

Then there’s Priti Patel, who thinks that because she has a fancy job title and a big office, she can tell the police how to do their job.

Breaking: statues of racists and slave traders across the country are being taken down, and melted down to make more brass necks.

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