PAPERING OVER THE CRACKS : High hopes in Westminster today that Michael Gove and Sarah Vine really like the refurbished No. 11 Downing Street when they move in later this year after the true cost of the refurb was revealed.
LCD Views can reveal an exclusive, completely fabricated leak from a Downing Street source puts the actual cost of the work at £37bn.
The eyewatering cost is believed to have mostly gone on interior design consultants, with a few billion on edible gold wallpaper.
“There was a temptation to go with non-edible gold wallpaper,” the source says, “but those famous Johnson parties can get pretty rowdy. The guests will end up eating the wallpaper anyway, so best that it can pass through their systems without risk of constipation.”
The revelation does at least make sense of the failed Track and Trace service. It also completely exonerates Britain’s missing public servant Dido Harding. As she allegedly was made a complete fool of and never received any funding.
“The bulk of the money was redirected to the prime minister and his current partner, allegedly. To be fair it is not an inordinate amount to spend. Just the cost of the authentic fresco bought from Pompeii alone was £5bn. They not only had to pay for it to be removed but the realistic replica constructed and installed. Actual Roman Empire painters are pretty thin on the ground these days. You add in the water feature which dispenses an endless shower of Bollinger, plus the numerous secret doors hiding Russian violinists and it’s not going to be done on the cheap.”
Happily for the Prime Minister there is zero chance of him having to repay the billions.
“He will decide if he acted inappropriately. So it’s a foregone conclusion that he actually underspent and a top up should be arranged via the Exchequer. It’s right that the public pays for it, as they pay for electing him PM daily anyway.”