BREAKING : Babies to be taught to recognise Union Flag before parents

EARLY INTERVENTION : Great news today for infants with the announcement by Downing Street that the long mothballed Sure Start programme is to be rebooted, albeit it with a different focus.

“From 9am this morning a battalion of specially trained officers from the Home Office will be in attendance at all hospital maternity wards,” a Downing Street source says. “They will be recognisable by their Union Flag patterned uniforms and the decks of playful cards they will be brandishing. These are also flag patterned.”

The officers are tasked with ensuring all newborns in Brexit Britain receive immediate education on how to recognise the flag.

“It’s all very well being able to recognise your mother and father but if you can’t go gaga over the Flag of Union the moment you take your first patriotic look at the greatest country on earth then you’re off to a rocky start. We aim to fix this.”

It is rumoured that several MPs will be on hand to witness the groundbreaking world beating sessions and to clap like seals.

“Police will also be in attendance, undercover as all manner of hospital employees, in case any new parents fail in their patriotic duty and attempt to block the vital work of the flag officers.

“It is hoped in time to advance the programme to pre-natal and have images of flags beamed directly into the womb during ultrasound sessions. We believe with sufficient belief the programme can even discover how to produce Union Flag patterned sperm.”

Some have criticised the move, saying that it would be better to tattoo all breasts with flags so the babies associate nursing with patriotism.

The Home Office has defended itself against that criticism though by pointing out there is currently a shortage of red, white and blue ink as it’s all “being correctly monopolised by food packaging on bananas and other fine British produce.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *