BREAKING : Downing Street confirms all pubs to close again exactly two weeks after reopening

WORLD BLATHERING : DOWNING STREET HAS bowed to pressure from the alcohol industry by confirming that the reopening of boozers will last exactly two weeks.

“It allows them to do more planning for the future of their industry than anyone directly impacted by Brexit,” a Downing Street source asserted, “the drinks industry now knows it has exactly fourteen days to stuff the coffers full before the next shutdown.”

Precision of decision making has become a scarce feature of British governance since 2016 and many are heartened to see its return, albeit briefly.

But why fourteen days?

“Well, don’t tell anyone, but between you and me we’ve plucked that out of the hat. But, and this is the important point, the hat is full of precise estimates about the average incubation time between contracting Covid-19 and displaying symptoms. Clearly people are widely known to be infectious before becoming symptomatic, but you can’t please everyone.”

The decision to reopen boozers is part of a multi-pillared Covid-19 strategy that is definitely not aimed at achieving herd immunity in the UK through a combination of wilful disregard of the intrinsic value of people’s lives and the kind of half baked, barely grasped pseudo-science prime minister Cummings is now famous for. It also allows us to pretend we’re still a perfectly normal country, which is a tangible benefit for the tourism industry.

“Let everyone get drunk and act responsibly while they’re at it,” the source added, “alcohol is a famous inhibitor, just ask Mr Johnson. The son or the father. And if you follow the government guidance and head to the pub this weekend you also stand a chance of asking the Holy Ghost. Cheers!”

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