BREAKING : Downing Street leak reveals PM actually bought sofa from DFS sale

BLOODY HELL : The Prime Minister’s reputation lies in shreds this afternoon more surely than a sofa left alone with a bored puppy.

Shortly after lunchtime a leak from Downing Street revealed the truth he has tried so hard to hide behind SofaGate.

“We’re all mortified. It’s so embarrassing I wish a hole would open up in the ground in front of the Prime Minister so I could push him in and throw the sofa in with him,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “How is the new age of feudalism to take a proper hold on the country with such a common man on the throne? It’s over. The entire dark money, rights stripping, power accumulation project in the service of tax minimisation is in ruins.”

Who actually leaked the devastating files will probably never be uncovered because no one will have the time to look into the matter.

“We’re all too busy planning our escape. Run for the hills is my advice. Get out now the house is on fire. There is something to see here and it’s horrifying.”

The leak that has caused the abrupt implosion of the fascist project centres on the source of the now infamous No. 11 Downing Street sofa.

“We all knew Boris and Carrie were cheap really, but as long as they acted otherwise it was possible to keep the ghastly, tacky nature of their persons secret. Now? It’s dust. Ashes and dust.”

Why some will shrug and say this is only a concern of the Westminster bubble. That no one outside of the M25 will care. The revelation that the PM bought the sofa at a DFS sale is certain to destroy whatever credibility he had left.

No self respecting autocrat would do such a low thing. How can he look the Trumps of the world in the eye now and convince them to channel their financial business through London? London the new dystopia of kleptocrats? Not now. It’s over. DFS? And on sale? The £9000 is a lie? Christ.”

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