SAFE SPACE : So Called Prime Minister Boris Johnson was said to be “curled up in foetal position with toilet paper in his ears” in the wake of the police action at the Clapham vigil last night.
The Prime Minister is said to have been “already jolly on Bollie” when the drama occurred last night, “having watched the future Queen attend the peaceful vigil” and then preceded to get hammered believing the situation in Priti Patel’s capable hands.
“It wasn’t until he finally staggered out of bed this morning around 11am, scratching his torso and shouting for a Bloody Mary (to relieve his world beating hangover) that he found out what happened later in the evening,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views.
It is reported (unsubstantially) that aides had tried to arrange a rapid overseas min-break for the PM the moment he awoke, but his plane was “out of service being serviced after returning with an absolute truckload of bargain basement PPE from a Far Eastern hotel room.”
The PM is said to have taken the news badly, slumping on the floor, groaning and attempting to crawl into his panic fridge with “Dylin the prop dog jumping his right foot”.
“I’m just sorry we couldn’t get him overseas before he found out about the heavy handed police action. He’s now got to deal with Patel wanting reassurance her Gulag Bill will still have his support in Parliament tomorrow.”
The Gulag Bill will prevent a repeat of the drama by making all protest illegal and ensuring a “happy Brexitannia with no dissent at all”.
“I blame the women involved. They should have waited until he was on holiday like when the London riots occurred when he was Mayor,” the source added. “Or at least dress up as football fans with Saint George flag? If you don’t want to get kettled to prevent you catching the virus you have to at least try and look patriotic.”
Efforts are continuing to coax the PM out of the panic fridge with “his favourite caviar and a Hugh Hefner impersonator on hand to lend reassurance.”