BREAKING : Government to publish full and transparent price list for ministerial decisions

VALUE FOR MONEY GUARANTEED : DOWNING STREET is seeking to get ahead of the alleged ‘cash for favours’ controversy today after an interesting outing by a minister on this morning’s Today programme.

While the comments raised concerns about the potential for corruption, supporters of Downing Street have applauded the regime for its “business as usual” transparency.

“People know the rules of the game,” a imagined spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “and we’re not shifting the goal posts. They’re exactly where they’ve always been. It’s just right and proper that everyone can see how the game is played. You can’t say without fear or favour. God knows there’s enough fear and favour to sink a steam ship. But who’s ever been to a football match on a cruise liner and not experienced the fear of the crowd and the haranguing of officials over perceived favouritism? Especially as the giant iceberg goes from looming upon the horizon to just beginning to scrape along the bows. Goal!!!”

And to capitalise on the new, open and transparent style of government 10 Downing Street has announced it will release a “full, comprehensive and world beating” price list for ministerial decisions by week end.

“Or the weekend, we’re still nailing down some of the details. But if you want to, say, develop some green belt but the nimbies at the local council are standing in your way, well, the price to get the pitchforks back in the sheds will be achievable for any billionaire, even ones on a budget. It’s classic, traditional Tory governance.”

In other, unrelated news, a banana will be added to the Union Jack to symbolise the direction the UK has most determinedly taken…

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