PANTS FIRE ETERNAL : SHOCKING news today with the announcement of an inquiry into whether or not the last British prime minister, Boris Johnson, lied.
Shortly after 6am GMT today at an abandoned warehouse in a derelict docklands area a press conference was held with nobody present to announce the result of the inquiry.
We watched a live stream of the event as we could not afford the armoured car and security detail needed to navigate our way into and out of the unknown area.
We can exclusively present an excerpt of the inquiry’s findings below.
“It will not surprise to many who have watched the career of the UK’s court jester come king to hear we have concluded that the prime minister lied when he gave a statement over accusations he lied about lying regarding a case of him lying about lying relating to an appearance in the House of Commons wherein he is accused of lying when he gave a statement about a charge of lying about lying over an earlier incident where he lied when addressing accusations that he was lying over the findings of a study into him lying about lying to do with a situation where he claimed he misspoke, but as he had repeated the same statements numerous times, in various forms and contexts, it has been decided he was lying when he addressed the issue of whether he lied or told the truth about lying regarding charges he lied when addressing the accusations that he was lying about lying…”
Unfortunately we only have the excerpt of the press conference regarding the result of the inquiry as midway way through the statement the feed was cut and a photo of a shimmering Union Jack took its place.
The findings of the inquiry will be shocking to any intelligent life form existing beyond Bettlegeuse when the footage eventually reaches their receivers light years from now.
The prime minister is expected to address the inquiries later with a minimum of four flags behind him to distract you from the fact that whatever he says, he’ll probably be lying.
You’ll be able to decide this for yourself by watching very closely to see whether nor not his lips are moving.