IS IT SECRET IS IT SAFE : Downing Street has declared today that it is no longer satisfactory to allow sleeping dogs to lie on the porch of British democracy, they will be made to tell the truth instead.
“We’re going to look underneath every single one of them and get to the truth,” a 10 Downing Street source declared. “The Prime Minister has ordered the immediate establishment of an independent inquiry into Russian interference in UK democracy. No stone will be left unturned.”
The decision will surprise many who have been worried about the safety of the British electoral process, ever since everything started evidentially going to shit, right before our eyes.
“It is no longer acceptable to allow money from any source, not just Russia, to flood into the British political establishment and potentially subvert the sanctity of the democracy. We must recall that Westminster is the Mother of Parliaments and move to defend her.”
The about turn is welcome with the Johnson administration previously on the end of stern criticism for the refusal to even look for interference.
“It is highly likely that many of our recent elections and referendums are compromised, both by malevolent actors from Russia and of course America. We believe the flood of dark money must be dammed. If necessary all MPs who have received money from abroad, even if it was technically legal, will be made to repay the sums.”
The findings of the inquiry will be made public and there will be no redaction.
“We must face what we allowed to happen to our country on our watch. We must be brave and face our weakness. How else can we expect to recover?”
The inquiry is expected to conclude before the end of the summer.
“It seems obvious that we have no bloody idea what is going on in the UK anymore as it steadily moves towards self-immolation. Mr Johnson will not stand for this. He is a modern Churchill. He will now have his finest shower.”