BREAKING : PM to resign after revelation no Union Jack patterns used in Downing Street redesign

YOU CAN’T BUY CLASS : Shock in Westminster tonight after the announcement that British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to resign with immediate effect.

The gobsmacking announcement comes after leaked photos of the indulgently expensive redecoration of the flat at No. 11 Downing Street reveal NO UNION JACK FLAGS were used.

“There is no Union Jack flag patterning anywhere either,” a trembling Downing Street source says. “Since they did the refurb we’ve all been kept out of No. 11. We just assumed it was because the PM values family life, but it appears the real reason was a terrible and dark secret.”

How the PM expected to get away with not using the power symbol of Global Britain is anyone’s guess.

“This is a step too far. Clearly overseeing one of the worst pandemic responses on Earth wasn’t an issue. Billions thrown out the back door to Tory donors under the cover of the pandemic is just disaster capitalism in action and no sweat. Endless lying? Who cares? It’s only the most powerful political figure in the country with responsibility for all our welfare. But a failure to use the Union Jack? It is just beyond reason. He must be criminally insane.”

The news of the immediate departure of the ageing lothario and his current squeeze from Downing Street will please many, but there’s one sour note in the development.

“It means Dominic Raab becomes PM until a successor is established,” the source informs, “which basically means we go from government by instinctive mendacity to that with total confusion about maps. Hold your children tight tonight. Wrap them in a Union Jack.”

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