News is breaking this lunch time that Secretary of State David Davis MP (how?) is to release the 58 Brexit impact statements tomorrow into the fires of Mount Agung in Bali.
“We’ve been hoping and praying the earth would open up in all its fiery passions,” an aide to Davis told LCD Views Force Majeure specialist, “this is wonderful. The eruption of the volcano in Bali demonstrates as clearly as a slogan from the prime minister that the ancient god Vulcan backs Brexit.”
It’s believed Mr Davis is already flying first class in an RAF passenger jumbo normally reserved for Prince Andrew’s personal jollies.
“Apparently once he arrives on Bali Mr Davis is to change into a traditional Mayan priest costume and be lowered over the volcano where he will wait for an upsurge of magma before sacrificing the impact statements to the god of fire.”
While certainly an entirely satisfactory way for the government to acquiesce to the will of parliament and the Speaker’s order, the choice of Bali has set the cat among the pigeons of hard Brexiters in cabinet.
“A bloody foreign volcano. A bloody foreign outfit and a bloody foreign god!” one senior Brexit minister fumed to LCD on the basis of anonymity.
“They should be sacrificed in a bloody British volcano, preferably on the border between North and that other bit of Ireland!”
The ceremony is not going to be filmed, as it is believed they would taint the sanctity of the ritual, but we are sure all will go perfectly.
“Davis has half planned the event, well, was almost personally involved in the conceptual of the ceremony, what could possibly go wrong? It’s not like it’s a bloody human sacrifice we’re performing. They don’t start until 2019.”
Good luck high priest Davis. Come back safely. But don’t rush.