Brexit : Johnson tells EU “put a tiger in the tank” – claiming status as the thick man of Europe

THE SUN NEVER SETS : BRITISH PM BORIS JOHNSON HAS RATTLED THE CAGE OF THE EUROCRATS TODAY as negotiations over a future relationship between the UK and the EU resumed.

“The EU always caves at the last moment to a power slogan,” a Downing Street insider said, “just ask that famous academic of EU operations, David Davis. We all remember his star turn as Brexit negotiator. So successful he had to resign over the deal he himself negotiated, in order to spend time rewriting his personal history. Or if you really are in the mood for a good lobotomy, Owen Patterson. There’s a link to a Katya Adler podcast featuring them both below. The heights of blithe, entitled idiocy those two great British statesmen have achieved is a complete neural toxin.”

And it is a well trodden path in British EU lore that the world’s largest trade power bloc always caves at the last moment.

“It’s not because they’re mature and grown up and believe at the end of the day working across borders is preferable to stubborn isolationism founded on a complete misunderstanding of the modern world. No, they leave that to the Brexiters.”

But one thing is more certain than what deal, or no deal, will be achieved by the ongoing negotiations, and that’s that Mr Johnson will spend most of the remaining time asleep. Waking up now and then to do some talking in case anyone is watching.

“No deal is better than a bad deal”, that classic of Theresa May’s time ruining the country’s reputation internationally by attrition, to add to her racially focused immigration policies (what a legacy), is also likely to get trotted out as the deadline to negotiations, self imposed by the UK, looms.

But surely the unfolding disaster of Covid-19 could see one of the most famous, “the sick man of Europe”, reapplied to the UK?

“Highly likely,” our Downing Street source agreed, “but it’s going to get a new twist, as the damage of Boris Johnson’s premiership rains down at home. Before long everyone will be calling him the thick man of Europe. Something he can properly own, without trying harder than he currently is.”

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